5 Signs You May Be the Victim of Gaslighting
Wait… I don’t remember that…
Stop putting words in my mouth! Am I being too sensitive? I don’t remember saying that. Am I losing my mind? I’m sorry!
Does any of that sound familiar? Do you often feel confused, crazy, or second guess every decision? If so, you may be the unsuspecting victim of gaslighting. And no, I’m not talking about that little light that goes off on your gas meter. I’m talking about a specific type of manipulation that is used to ACTUALLY make you THINK you are going CRAZY! So take a deep breath, because YOU, love, are NOT going crazy. This may, however, be the wake-up call you needed!
Psychology Today defined gaslighting as an insidious form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. They may end up doubting their memory, their perception, and even their sanity.
Now that you know you aren’t going crazy but may be involved with an emotional abuser, let’s look at some common signs to watch out for.
The Brush Off: when the abuser “forgets” things that have actually occurred. The abuser may also “forget” promises that were made and important to the victim. Examples:
“ I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“What do you mean I said _____?”
“Why would I promise you that when you know I don’t have time?”
The Interference: when the abuser changes the conversation from the subject at hand to questioning the victim or controlling the conversation from their point.
Examples:
“Why are you trying to hurt me?”
“Where did you get a crazy idea like that?”
“Quit complaining and bitching to me.”
The Hold Back: when the abuser pretends to not understand, doesn’t share their emotions or just plain refuses to listen.
Examples:
“I don’t have time to listen to you complain again.”
“This is why no one understands you.”
“Why do you always try to get a rise out of me?”
The Memory Game: when the abuser calls into question a victim's memory, despite the victim having remembered the situation correctly.
Examples:
“You can’t remember anything right.”
“That never happened.”
“I told you this before, don’t you remember?”
“You’re imagining things.”
The You’re Irrelevant: when the abuser makes the victim feel like their wants, needs and own thoughts aren’t relevant or important.
Examples:
“I was just joking! Why are you so sensitive?”
“You just don’t know what you want.”
“Why do you think you deserve that when I’m the one who ____?”
If any of those sound familiar, then you may be in a relationship with a master manipulator. Lucky for you, realizing the signs is the hardest part. No one likes to think that they’ve been tricked or manipulated by someone they love. Unfortunately, it happens to the best of us.
So now what?
The first step to mental freedom from your emotional abuser is to realize that you were right all along! You didn’t lose your mental marbles. Now it’s time to stand firm with your words and your truth. Knowing that your emotional abuser wants to make you feel crazy so they can control you, means it’s time to own your inner Jedi.
When conversing with your abuser, take a step back mentally and observe the manner, words, and emotions (or lack of emotions) that are being spoken to you. Start making a mental checklist of the phrases and terms used. This will make it easier to pinpoint when they are trying to get what they want, which is to make you feel bad and second guess yourself. Also, please realize, that it is important to pick your battles. Try not to spend time replaying conversations in your head about who was right and wrong. Now that WILL drive you crazy!
Keep your replies short and simple. Document or take notes on the conversations you have so you can remember the details correctly. It will help you decipher truths from lies. Use your intuition and try to make note of what may cause a shift in conversation. Were you talking about money? Sex? Communication? Your children or family? Your/ their habits? What triggered the abuser to deflect on to you?
You may find that you need help in standing up for yourself. After year(s) of this type of emotional abuse, it’s easy to feel worthless and like you can’t do anything right. Going to therapy is a great way to learn tools in dealing with your emotional abuser. Especially if you need help finding the words to speak up and to relearn your worth. They can also help teach you emotional awareness and how to validate yourself and your truth.
Most importantly, have compassion for yourself. It will be emotionally taxing realizing that your husband, mom, boss, etc. is gaslighting you. Realize too, that it is okay to walk away from toxic relationships that do not have your best interest at heart, especially if they are intentionally trying to make YOU feel CRAZY. It does not matter if it is family, a friend, spouse, or even boss. If they are gaslighting you and trying to knock your reality off balance, you need to cut ties. Your emotions are valid. Your words matter. You deserve to have happiness and someone who respects YOU.
Choose you, and your truth, always.
Choose you every time.
Choose you.
If you would like more information on mental health, head on over to www.dynamicduocopy.com for other blogs and wellness tips.
-Stephanie Marroquin
